LUCKY

i am dead lucky.

that's what i know now.

last week i was actually having a minor panic attack while in my 40th minute on the bike. i was dead serious on losing weight, hungry and so lonely to be honest. i just had this sudden burst of blood in my head, felt tears in my eyes and started saying to myself "what the eff am i doing this for."


this has got to be the first blog i will write about myself and modelling. i just seriously didn't feel the need to.lol

anyways, i have always thought i didn't belong in the industry. i didn't grow up feeling i deserved to be in the pages of magazines and billboards or stuff like that. when i went into my first photoshoots, i just felt a rush. it did feel good, and i never expected it to go well. super thanks to sheng for letting me see myself in a different light. this business is however really tough. you keep on hearing all the time that you're "too short... too fat... too black.. too white.. too brown... too masculine.. too feminine.. too thin.. too everything.." it never stops. and it is so disheartening sometimes.

i have been super lucky though.

i have worked with really awesome photographers really. (sheng, kuya armel, jayd, tito ian, randy, ate keies, seven, ahleks, kuya ram, ate christine, dharz, tito vil, paul etc....) everyone has been awesome and my portfolio is awesome. if i die, there won't be s shortage of photos. they just have to grab my book, and put the photos in frames.. LOL

i also met some really awesome friends here. awesome model buddies like brian and jovy and mags and smile.. i have so much to to be grateful of. and they've been doing so well. i can't help but be proud. we've been through the toughest most embarrassing castings, and we've eaten tons of JOLLIBEE along the way. i know we don't talk to much, but i appreciate every moment that i have spent and will spend with them.

anyways, we always wanted to do fashion week. and we actually got in. they went in immediately, and i got a call a couple of days later saying i was supposed to do shows. we were just so happy to be there together, and even though it did not end so well for me i guess i was a lot luckier than all of those kids who didn't get in but were tons better looking than i am.

anyways after that fateful event i went into the confines of my parent's home in bicol and subjected my self into exile. i was just really sad, and mad at myself. i gained weight. tons of it, and i got the wake up call when i got back last week and had to do a fashion show. my clothes felt a lot more snug. and i just looked sooooo wide. LOL. but i was able to do a couple of photoshoots, and the photos looked great so i guess i didn't fully give up on myself. i did not want to.

for a while i had believed that some of those comments said about me were true.

that i was "too short" "too fat" etc....

i really did. i love being a model. i really do. i have still trouble if it loves me back.

well anyways. a sudden burst of support came upon me like a shower yesterday. a friend of mine from London, put up my photo in a modelling contest for a brand and top agency there. i thought he was joking. i really did, and i felt like i had no effing chance. anyways, i had nothing to do and started to actually campaign for myself via the brand's website and emailed my friends in America and Europe to vote for me. i felt that if i had announced it here first i would be branded as "makapal" or ambitious -much-. i broke into the boy's top 50 within 24 horus and is currrently at 32nd place among the boys. the only filipino in the lot.

32nd out of 576. and the only Flip there.

i'm just totally overwhelmed. my bestest friends haven't voted or know about this actually. i've been getting emails and friends requests from people all around the world. i had teenage girls from france and tunisia telling me they voted for me. photographers from NYC and London even messaged me that they're interested with taking my photos. it's been an amazing thing really. and just about the right kick to motivate me to continue with the dieting and the more than an hour cardio that i do.


i'm not expecting to get myself to get into a plane and fly to europe or america, but when you feel appreciated by people it feels great. it really does. and i feel thankful. really thankful.